And the cold feels so nice on my bones and my skin and my muscles and each morning i get up early because I can't sleep from the jet lag and the noises liz makes in her sleep. I creep out and just lay down on the snow in my parka and my pyjama's.
I wonder if he's feeling the cold.
I need to stop wondering about him. It's going to get me killed and the day we meet in hell, he's just going to give me shit because I got distracted and died because I wasn't paying attention.
Doesn't mean I don't miss him. He hasn't called, either he hasn't got the letter yet, or he did and doesn't care, did and he's feeling guilty or he did and..
and I'm just a stupid little twit with pink hair who's letting him get away with hitting me.
I don't know whether I have it in me to forgive him this.
If man will do it once, man will do it again. My father would never forgive me.
But my father forgives me a many thing. Maybe this is too much. I need to think and not stare in the mirror at my face. I would say that he's just not himself, but how many women have said that before? Only, he really isn't. There's something else inside of him that haunts the edges and occasionally creeps forth. Benevolent it might be, disruptive it is as well and I don't rightly know how to feel right now.
I wanted to hit him back, clench my hand into a fist and let fly to his nose like he did so long ago before we barely knew each other. That was life and death then, this time.
This time I don't know.
For now there's greater things than the marks on my cheek and my wounded self. There are greater things in the world than Flint going crazy.
What game am I at with him. What foolish stupid frivilous game am I playing.
- Location:Staten Island
- Mood:angry
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity Prayer, Alcoholic Anonymous
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity Prayer, Alcoholic Anonymous
But silence is impossible.
Silence screams.
Silence is a message,
just as doing nothing is an act.
Let who you are ring out and resonate
in every word and every deed.
Yes, become who you are.
There's no sidestepping your own being
or your own responsibility.
What you do is who you are.
You are your own comeuppance.
You become your own message.
You are the message.
When that which you know, the cornerstone of your being has all but disappeared?
When you can see that, which was yours, in the hands and being of another person?
Jealousy reigns supreme.
Understanding is not available.
Hurt is a new companion.
Faith.. is strained.
When things are wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high Amd you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest! if you must- but never quit. Life is queer, with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about When he might have won if he'd stuck it out; Stick to your task, though the pace seems slow- You may succeed with one more blow. Success is failure turned inside out- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt- And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar; So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit- It's when things seem worst that YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
Cause, you know, she's got the red hair right now and so innocent looking.
Which no unworthy affection may drag downwards;
Give us an unconquered heart,
Which no tribulation can wear out;
Give us an upright heart,
Which no unworthy purpose may tempt aside.
Bestow upon us also, O Lord our God,
Understanding to know you,
Diligence to seek you, wisdom to find you,
And a faithfulness that may finally embrace you;
Through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Thomas Aquinas
A mother may forget her child,
When stirred by passions fierce and wild,
But God will not forget his own;
Faith rests on this foundation stone.
No greater love a friend can give,
Than die to let his comrade live.
But God his love doth thus commend,
He died for foe as well as friend.
Oh matchless love, oh love divine,
Come dwell in this glad heart of mine.
Thyself reveal, thyself bestow,
In flood-tide waves my soul o'er flow.
Could I thy deepest depths explore,
I know that I should love thee more.
If I thy highest heights could climb,
I'd love Thee with a love sublime.
Could I but know the breadth and length,
And Thou thyself would give me strength,
I'd cease to sing "more love to thee,"
For I should Love as thou lovest me.
My arms are raised.
As you lead me to salvation.
My arms are raised.
For you reached out to me when I needed you most.
My arms are raised.
My eyes are closed, I feel your hand.
My arms are raised.
You lived and died for me.
My arms are raised.
I kneel down before you and give thanks.
My arms are raised.
Holding up the cross forever and ever.
My arms are raised.
Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all Your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
For you are my Father.
I send a prayer to those who are still missing from their release. I hope that they are just merely tossed to some foreign shore with no way to contact home but safe and warm, fed and clothed. Maybe they're not wanting to be found, and instead deciding to forge a new life. It's better than the alternatives as to why no one has heard from them.
May the world be better from this point forward. May there be some peace in the chaos and hopefully, may we find some happiness, no matter how small.
Some I can keep, others are beyond me. When this is over, when i've returned from Louisiana, i'm sure it will be known that I was in the hospitality of Homeland Security and I came out unscathed. Mr. Parkman was cautious with his questions but I have no doubt that he will be required to ask more. No doubt that there are those in Phoenix who will want my head for my words.
But there's whats right.
I don't know whether it will bring a sword down upon my neck or not, but right now, right now my worry is my mind, and to heal those who need it before I go home. Home to Momma and my church and to think upon what i've done and seek god's forgiveness for doing what his angels should have done. Shuffle his soul to meet up with his punishment.
I think that's why I agreed to give those people the help they needed. Two livers, a kidney, two hearts. All fixed, and the bearers will in a few days walk out of the hospital. Maybe they'll be back, maybe not, I don't know. I didn't like that Doctor, and the way he looked at me. But it's atonement, for what I did.
Dear lord protect them in my wake when I leave. Keep them safe and unharmed till I return. Let them find solace where they need it, comfort where they can find it. Let the right deeds shine through and the wrong ones be punished. Let the world keep in one piece while I go to make myself whole again. Watch over the souls in my home, bring them comfort and rest. In my service to you always I retire, hoping to make the world better than when I entered it. Amen.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Away with Funeral music - set.
The pipe to powerful lips-
The cup of life's for him that drinks
And not for him that sips
- Robert Louis Stevenson
The pipe to powerful lips-
The cup of life's for him that drinks
And not for him that sips
- Robert Louis Stevenson
Now I say to you in conclusion,
life is hard,
at times as hard as crucible steel.
It has its bleak and difficult moments.
Like the ever-flowing waters of the river,
life has its moments of drought and its moments of flood.
Like the ever-changing cycle of the seasons,
life has the soothing warmth of its summers
and the piercing chill of its winters.
But if one will hold on,
he will discover that God walks with him,
and that God is able to lift you from the fatigue of despair
to the buoyancy of hope
and transform dark and desolate valleys
into sunlit paths of inner peace.
Or I could be writing in it again before the week is out.
I have gold, running through my veins and with luck, and hopefully Jennifer's evolved ability, there will be others with it as well. Safeguards in place for safeguards. How many of us are going to make it through tomorrow, and will anyone ever know what we did, in an effort to save them all? This.. is nothing like putting my hand in Rickhams chest and knowing that if I don't go fast enough, i've killed the President Elect.
If it ends tomorrow, all of it, if I'm killed trying to save it, I do so knowing that I have regrets. That I never found a good man to make husband and have children and raise them to be good. That I never got to heal more people. I never get to see Palermo and Teo's hometown. The place that sprung forth that man on humanity and made it brighter. I never got to be a paramedic. To use my gift in such a fashion.
That I couldn't get everyone off the island.
But, if I do go tomorrow to eternal rest, I do so having done good. I lived my life as good as I could, with very few devations. I stuck to my principals and never squandered that which he gave me. I saved my father, and i'm helping to save the world. I gave Belinda Chu life, I gave the President Elect life. I gave Hagan O'Sullivan a second chance. I gave. I leave this world a better place than when I entered it.
But
I don't want to die. Please don't le tme die. I have much left to do. Let me do it.
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
They don't know it's often when you ask
(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears
(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Boy,am i still resilient voice
Says love is the relief
(Ohhh)
There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believeeeeeeeeeee
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